Can't Say I Didn't Warn You
by Blighted Angel
Summary: Anders takes his 'solution' a little too far. Garrett disapproves. Just me screwing around. I'm not an Anders hater. Honest.


_**Author's Note: **_The Gallows scene, parody style, with Hawke and Anders. Pure silliness on my part, that just so happens to display my opinion on what our poor insane mage/spirit of Vengeance thinks is a logical solution.

On with the parody!

_**Can't Say I Didn't Warn You**_

Garrett Hawke stood in the Gallows, shock leaving him frozen with disbelief. Surely he wasn't seeing this.

No seriously, he _wasn't _seeing this? Right?

"Uh…Anders?" he sputtered. Surprisingly enough, aforementioned apostate heard him over the screams of passerby and the sound of debris crashing through people's houses.

"Yes, my love?"

"Did you just blow up the Chantry, using ingredients that I helped you gather?"

"Yup."

"And, uh…you seriously think this is going to lead to a better future for mages everywhere?"

"Damn right I do."

"Catastrophic civil war was the absolute _only _way to approach gaining freedom for the mages of Kirkwall, as well as everywhere else in Thedas?"

Anders nodded decisively and crossed his arms over his chest. "There is no compromise. I told you that. The only way to ensure victory is to eliminate any cause for either party to yield. There will be a lot of bloodshed, but it will all work out in the end," he explained, looking disturbingly pleased with himself.

Garrett could only shake his head. He hadn't decided if he was pissed off or just plain astounded. "Um. You do realize you could have just gone to the templars, right? Most of them think Meredith is bat-shit insane anyway, in case you've forgotten. I would have helped you. With me by your side we could have negotiated with Knight Captain Cullen, and I think with some persuasion, he would have come to see our point. He seems pretty reasonable. All we would have had to do was provoke Meredith into one of her crazed, foaming-at-the-mouth rages, and he would have seen how far gone she is. It would have been worth a shot anyway, don't you think?"

"That's kind of what I just did, isn't it? She's foaming at the mouth and spitting flames at mages like always._"_

"Yeah, but now she has a legitimate reason. An incinerated Church and a whole bunch of dead nuns aren't going to do anything but convince people that _you're _crazy. As it is, anyone with a firm enough grasp on sanity would be barking mad to agree with you after what you've done."

"Come on, Hawke. Surely you aren't that naïve. What was going to happen even if we got Cullen to agree with us about Meredith? There are those under his command who still wouldn't have agreed with us, and even provided he could keep all of his templars in line, what then? He would have become the new Knight Commander and mages would be right back where they started. What did you think? He would just declare the Circle free?"

"In time, yes. That's exactly what I was thinking."

"Why would he do that?"

"Why _wouldn't _he? King Alistair freed his Circle after the Hero of Ferelden killed the Archedemon, and I heard that he was once a templar. Why can't Kirkwall follow in his footsteps? In case you hadn't noticed, I'm pretty charming. I think I could have softened Cullen to the idea. Oh, and have I mentioned that the Hero of Ferelden was my cousin thrice removed or something like that? Runs in the family, perhaps."

Anders raised a hand but Garrett cut him off, and he snapped his mouth shut before a single word could be uttered.

"I'm the Champion of Kirkwall. Well respected, obviously a mage, and still the templars weren't on my bloody doorstep. I would have been in the perfect position to advocate freedom for mages. Citizens, nobility and otherwise, would have listened to me. 'Hey, look at this guy! He's been saving our hides for nigh on seven years now, and he's not an abomination! Maybe there are more mages like him!' After that, everything else would have fallen into place. Granted, there is no guarantee my plan would have worked, but you didn't even _try _for a peaceful approach. That's what bothers me."

Anders seemed to deflate a bit after that explanation. Nevertheless he continued, apparently not willing to admit how horribly he'd screwed up just yet. "Well, what about the other Circles around Thedas? They need their freedom too."

"After seeing Ferelden, the Free Marches and the Tevinter Imperium with free mages, the others would steadily follow suit into finding their own peaceful solutions. Probably. If not, they'd rise up and start killing templars, but hey. Still wouldn't be as bloody as what you just started."

"Hey, come on. Stop punching holes in my logic. Aren't you supposed to be my lover?"

"Aren't you the jackass who told me you didn't want me involved, only to go out of your way to get me involved?"

Anders winced. "Ouch. That's a little unfair, don't you think? I kept my promise. Your name isn't in this scandal at all! I took extra pains to make sure it wasn't."

"Even if there is no hard evidence connecting me to the crime, everyone knows you're living in my house and sleeping in my bed. The connections aren't hard to make. Also, the fact remains that I _did _help you do this. No one else would know for sure, but I do, and now I can never get away from it. How am I supposed to live with myself? If you were so concerned about meyou never would have enlisted my help in the first place. Granted, I shouldn't have agreed to distract the Grand Cleric after I figured out something was amiss, but I trusted you, Anders. I trusted you not to take advantage of my love for you, and you did. How could you do this to me?"

Anders sighed heavily. "I told you. I _told _you I would one day break your heart. Alas, it has come to pass. I'm sorry. It's just…well, I guess Bioware needed something more radical to happen, so everything would fall apart and we'd have material for another game. For that to work, some poor sod would have to become the scape goat and go all renegade mage/terrorist. That's where I come in, I guess."

"I don't think we were supposed to break the fourth-wall in this story."

"Eh. Whatever."

"You do realize I have no choice but to kill you now, right?"

"Yes. But before you do, do you think we could…? You know, just one more time? There's a statue over there that we could probably hide behind…"

Anders trailed off as Hawke shot him a withering look. "I guess that's a no."

"Ugh. I knew I should have just stalked Fenris until he caved, but _no, _I had to rebound with you, didn't I?"

Anders shrugged, seating himself on the ground with his neck bared to Hawke. "Hey. Can't say I didn't warn you."


End file.
